It’s 5 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I’m sitting here crying because my husband, Bill, is coming home from a trip today. I don’t want him to come home. It’s been so nice and peaceful while he’s been gone. There is a lovely energy in the house and I’ve felt so relaxed. I wish it could always be like this. Of course, there was also the underlying feeling of dread because I knew he’d be coming back eventually. When he returns, it will be like a dark cloud converging on my life. Our marriage is so awful that I just want to scream. He’s the worst husband in the whole world.
I’ve got to figure a way out of this marriage. The problem is that he saps all of my creative energy and strength with his horrible black energy. I’ve had to take medication for anxiety and depression for the past few years. I used to be a happy, energetic person. Now I feel like an empty husk.
No one really knows how truly unhappy I am. I’d just give up and die if it wasn’t for my youngest son. He really doesn’t have anyone other than me. Bill is very cruel to him too. And I still have a small amount of hope that I may be able to get out of this marriage and be happy again someday. I just need to figure out a workable plan.
Bill has treated me badly almost since the day we’ve gotten married. He constantly denies me affection and sex. We haven’t had sex in nearly 7 years. The last time we had sex was in 2004. He wanted to buy a new Nissan Titan truck and gave me a few nights of romance so I’d agree to it. Like a fool, I did. Now every time I look at the truck, I feel shame. And I feel used.
I don’t understand why he didn’t leave me. If he didn’t love me, why did he have to stay and make my life so miserable? I dread every second with him. If we have to go grocery shopping, I have terrible anxiety and panic for days before. Just the sight if him makes my blood pressure go up. He’s been extra mean lately and I’m afraid.
I’ve got a bunch of obstacles to overcome before I can obtain freedom from this marriage. I’ll explain these obstacles in the next post. Maybe someone will read this and have some good advice for me.
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