Plenty of Obstacles to Overcome

 

I have a lot of obstacles to overcome if I’m going to become free of Mr.B.

Money, of course, is a big obstacle. I need to make some money.

I need to finish my degree in order to get a job that I could actually support myself with. A minimum wage job isn’t going to cut it. I’m taking some classes towards my degree this semester (Fall 2011) so hopefully I’ll do well. I’m a little nervous about classes starting up. One of the classes (an elective) is a career preparation class that it supposed to teach you all about resume’ writing and interviewing skills. It sounded like it may be a beneficial class given my current situation. Classes start on Tuesday.

I need to learn how to drive. I know it’s crazy, but I’ve always had a terrible phobia of driving. I’ve had a learners permit for over 20 years (although I recently let it lapse). I just can’t muster up the nerve to learn. I’ve got to just buck up and try, but I’m such a coward. It’s hard to always have to depend on someone else for a ride. I’ve got to renew my permit at the DMV and sign up for driving lessons.

I need to lose some weight. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the past few years due to depression and the medications that I take. I think the main problem is my sluggishness. I need to exercise. I’m going to have to work on a diet and exercise plan. I can start small with exercise and gradually work my way up to a real workout. I’m really out of shape. The other day I attempted to ride my bicycle and I was gasping for air by the time I was halfway down the street. It scares me that I’ve let my health go like this.

Speaking of my health, it’s not good. My blood pressure is sky high. I’m on 3 different medications for blood pressure and it’s still 160/120. I have agoraphobia, panic disorder, depression and anxiety. I wonder if I’m actually depressed or if a lot of the symptoms aren’t related to my situation. I need to get healthy fast or I may have a stroke. I also have some sort of mysterious (and disfiguring) skin disease that no one can identify.

Depression can really take away your energy. I used to be creative. I used to love to do things. Now I just want to do is lay around and cry all day. I wish I could have that back. Most days, I don’t get dressed or even comb my hair. I don’t even have the energy for that. I just need to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

My self-esteem isn’t good. Twenty years of verbal and emotional abuse can really take a toll on a person’s self-esteem. I’ve felt so unworthy for years. I’m scared that people will laugh at me. I feel like everything I say is stupid and undeserving of an answer. When I leave the house, I feel like people are pointing at me and calling me ugly and fat. I get extremely panicky when I have to go anywhere.

Possessions-Like most people, I have tons of clutter. I have leftover merchandise from a closed business. I have lots of clothing that is old, ragged and too small. I don’t know why I save it. I think I need to sell the prime stuff and add the money to my freedom fund. And throw away or donate the rest of it. I’ve heard that people feel better when they eliminate many of their possessions. Even if I don’t feel better, the house will be neater. And I’ll have fewer things to bring with if I find a way to get away from Mr. B.

I guess I’ve got a lot of things to work on and overcome in the coming months. I thought blogging about my situation may be helpful and motivating. I’ve been inspired by Julie Powell of The Julie/Julia Project. I recently watched the movie and blogging seems like it would really be therapeutic. It sort of feels a bit like talking to an invisible friend. Julie Powell described it as a “regimen.” I think I’m in desperate need of a regimen. She set a deadline for herself. I think I’m going to have to set one for myself too. A year sounds reasonable. Can I accomplish all of the above goals and start a new life for myself in a year’s time?

By the way, Mr. B came home at midnight –the witching hour! My heart sank when I saw that big black (hated) Nissan Titan pull into the driveway. I guess my vacation from Mr. B is officially over. It was nice while it lasted.