Monday, September 5, 2011

Jeepers Creepers, Where’d You Get That Crime Scene Car?

 

A lesson for girls about relationships: Never marry a man who believes it is better to save money than make money. I'm not talking about a frugal person who is saving for a goal. I'm talking about men who are recklessly cheap. A recklessly cheap man is usually only cheap with his wife and children. Being cheap with his family allows him to spend more money on his own needs. He can also work less hours and enjoy more television.

My youngest child, Jason, is planning on getting his driver's license soon. He's already passed his test for a New York State Learner's Permit. Soon, I'll be trying to help him find a safe car to drive. He has almost $2500 saved in his bank account from his birthday, holiday and allowance money. He’s been saving for a car for three years.

Mr. B comes home and mentions that there is a very nice car available where he works. It was owned by an old lady (who hardly ever drove it, of course) and it only has 34,000 miles on it. He said it was an older car in good condition, but he didn't know the year. Mr. B’s boss owns the car now because the woman didn’t want to pay for any more repairs and told him to junk it. His boss, J, said that he wanted $500 for it. Right away, I was a little suspicious. Mr. B's boss is a real expert at maximizing profit. I had doubts that he'd sell a $2000 car for $500. Still, I felt that we had to investigate the car. I didn't want to let my suspicions cost my son a car that Mr. B proclaimed "the deal of the century." Mr. B said the car had passed its inspection, so I had a smidgeon of hope.

We drive to the shop and there sits the pitiful car, a 1996 Mazda Protégé. It was a tiny dark blue car with massive amounts of rust. It was in absolutely horrible condition. If there was ever a clunker that needed to be junked, it was this one. I almost wanted to scream out loud, but I wasn't up for a night of fighting with Mr. B. Mr. B was acting like the car was a rare jewel or something. Jason and I were stunned; we're literally standing there with our jaws hanging open, unable to speak. All we could do is stare at this abomination of a vehicle in stunned silence.

We get up close to the car and can see it's been in multiple collisions. The driver's side door is crushed in from being broad-sided. The front bumper has many yellow paint stains and deep gouges on it. There were dents and dings all over the car's body. The interior was covered with what appeared to be blood stains. When Jason asked Mr. B if they were blood spatters, he said, "No, it's makeup." Right. Mr. B thinks everyone else is stupid. I think this car may actually have been a bloody crime scene. If this beaten up and worn out car had only 34,000 miles on it, I'll be a monkey's uncle. I think it may have actually had 334,000 miles on it.

Mr. B, proud as a peacock, instructed Jason to sit in the car. Jason was apprehensive, but didn't want a beating. He got into the death car. Fortunately for us, Jason is very tall. His head was up to the car's ceiling. He was able to say truthfully, "This car is too small for me." Mr. B was disappointed. And why wouldn't he be? What father wouldn't be proud to see his only son driving around in a car like this? On the drive home, Mr. B lamented, "What a shame. You'll never be able to find a car deal like that again." Jesus, I hope not.

When we got home, Jason and I discussed Mr. B's depravity at great length. Jason said that if he had a choice between that Mazda and the Creeper's B Eating U vehicle from the horror movie, Jeepers Creepers, he'd definitely take the B Eating U vehicle. Jason couldn't believe that his father has so little regard for him that he thought this car would be appropriate. I told Jason that someday he'll be taking his oldest child car shopping and he'll have a good story to tell him or her. I guess this is one of these things that you'll look back on and laugh about eventually.

This was some seriously passive aggressive behavior. Mr. B wanted to let our son know that that this pathetic car was all he deserved. You'd think I would learn my lesson after 20 years of psycho behavior. Needless to say, we will not be looking at any more cars with Mr. B. I guess I don’t understand why a father wouldn’t want to see his only child driving a safe car.

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